THE MATRIX RELOADED:
DANCE PARTIES AND EXPLODING VAGINAS

May 20th, 2003

 

 

Since the Matrix Reloaded forgot to have a point, I’ll get right to mine. This sequel is a bloated orgy of excessive, unnecessary special effects and ignorant exposition. Nothing in this “movie” lends itself to the story, which is why they find the need to just explain everything to the audience. If you thought the movie was good, perhaps we should take a trip through some of the most embarrassing parts of this trash heap. Come along everyone, on what will prove to be more enjoyable than the movie itself.

 

The Wachowski Philosophy: Our Audience is Stupid

 

There are at least 12 scenes in this movie where someone is simply explaining something to another character. The worst is when Neo asks why Morpheus hates some bum on Zion, and Trinity explains the entire backstory. In the following scenes, we see this through actions and body language. We didn’t need to be told about it. In the original, it was okay to explain things to Neo, because, like the audience, he didn’t know shit. Now that he is “The One,” that excuse is no longer there. But they do it anyway because they assume we no longer care about story. They could have just held the script up to the screen, but our eyes are glazed over from the pointless fight scenes.

 

Now entering Zion. And Dance Party USA.

 

Sometimes when you just don’t know how to progress the plot, you do the only thing you know how. Dance. In a scene rivaled only by the “Dare to be Stupid” dance sequence in Transformers: The Movie, Morpheus puts on his best Kermit the Frog voice, and everyone in Zion has a techno dance party. For 10 minutes. Meanwhile, death is upon them, and they could be using this time to flee the colony or research ways to stop the machines. But oh no no. They have to boogie. Good job. You freed your minds so you could shake your ass. And while I’m on Zion, let me just comment on how wretched that place is. In the first movie, the idea of Zion is so intriguing because you just have no idea what it is. And when they dock their ship, we get a glimpse of that cool white room with Minority Report technology. Then we head inside, and it’s a bunch of sweaty, poorly dressed scumbag bums who just want to party. I’m with Joey Pants from the first movie when he says, “I just want things back the way they were.” More than you know, Joe.

 

What’s the cure for a plotless film? MORE, MORE, MORE!

 

After the party winds down, Neo re-enters the Matrix to fight hundreds of Agent Smiths. Why? Who knows, really. It’s just an excuse to use a bunch of fancy effects. Apparently Agent Smith is no longer an Agent, but he’s mad at Neo because he beat him up. So he clones himself and we have ourselves a 15 minute fight scene that deteriorates into video game graphics. Oh yeah, and there’s lots of techno music. Then, to further insult us, Neo ends the scene by simply…flying away. The asshole can fly! Why did he just spend all that time battling these Smiths?! It becomes apparent that every fight scene in the movie started out like this: “Oh man, wouldn’t it be awesome if he fought, like a million Agent Smiths. I mean, he only needed to fight one in the original, so why bother having him fight just one again? Let’s make it a hundred! No one can copy that!”
Not one fight scene has any bearing on the plot. Before he fights Smith, he must battle the Oracle’s guardian. Why? Because the guardian “Had to be sure he was the One.” It takes a genius to come up with that one. After a while, you just get tired of all the nonsense, and wish for something substantial. Like exploding vaginas.

Exploding Vaginas

 

I’m not making this up. Later in the movie, Neo and gang must find the Keymaster, so they meet up with some French asshole in a restaurant. He swiftly moves the plot along by making a woman’s giney explode fireball-style after she eats a piece of cake. It’s horrendous, and to make matters worse, the story shifts from that to some ridiculous bathroom scene, where Neo must kiss another woman because she wants to feel a kiss from someone in love. Oh yeah, there was probably techno music playing, too. This leads to another sequence of fight scenes involving the French guy and his minions. (Who look eerily similar to the librarian ghost from Ghostbusters, according to my roommate.) There is no explanation as to why they are fighting, or why they would even care that Neo takes the Keymaster (perhaps because he’s a pleasant Asian man.) After sitting through these scenes, you start reminiscing that maybe the dance party wasn’t so bad.

 

System Failure

It’s hard to imagine that they could have failed on such a grand scale. At the end of the movie you realize you sat through 2 and a half hours only to be in the exact same spot. Sure, we learn two or three bits of information, but it’s not worth wading through the needless explanations, mind-numbing action scenes, and endless techno music. I really feel like I’ve saved you time today, because even if this doesn’t prevent you from seeing the movie, at least when it’s over you won’t have to talk about how disappointed you are. I already told you it sucks.

If you think the Matrix Reloaded was the best movie ever, email me at guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com. I figure this is the best way to not get any emails.

 

** This movie is such an outstanding disappointment I had to leave out a number of my supporting arguments.

  1. Tank has apparently died, even though he was fine at the end of the last movie. Uhh, thanks for explaining, guys.
  2. Neo learns how to massage hearts in the Matrix, which is a neat trick except that it shouldn’t do anything in particular.
  3. This movie ends so badly, you’ll think you’re watching some television season finale cliffhanger. To Be Concluded? Only Back to the Future can pull that off!
  4. Neo’s the One. No wait, Neo’s not the One. Oh, he’s the One because the Matrix wants him to be. Yeah, I get it.
  5. Neo flies everywhere, destroying any suspense or feeling that anyone is ever in trouble.
  6. With all the technology the people have, couldn’t they have fashioned a microphone for Morpheus’ big speech, or at least rolled up a piece of paper?

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