God Bless Yourself
May 28th, 2003
At my job I work in a hallway. Throughout any given day, I am burdened with a fair amount of menial tasks, which I perform splendidly. I was aware of these when I started, but I’ve recently taken up another job as a result of my high-traffic zone. I have been silently handed the position of The Blesser. See, there are between seven to ten offices surrounding my makeshift cubicle, and apparently every person has horrendous allergies. All day long people are sneezing their faces off, and since I’m the epicenter, I unwillingly become the point man, the anchor whom people look for comfort after a nose shower. Anytime there’s a sneeze, I’m supposed to scoop up the task of saying, “Bless you.” (I leave God out of it so I don’t get sued.) The problem is, there are so many sneezes on a daily basis, I’m forced to rethink what I’ve been doing all this time. The first step was to wait and see if anyone else would pick up the slack. If no one said anything, I’d save that awkward moment of silence and toss out a half-hearted “bless you.” Unfortunately, the only people I can rely on are those who walk down the hall at the right time, and people coming to praise my overall genius at everything. Usually the people praising me are too wrapped up in the fact that they’re in my presence to notice a sneeze, so I can’t rely on them. Therefore, I’ve decided to quit blessing people. I renounce my role as The Blesser.
I was always brought up to believe that you should do unto others as you want done to you. I don’t want anyone blessing me. It’s a meaningless gesture, something we feel we need to do even though we don’t understand why. No one even knows what it means! Is it because your heart stops? Is it because Satan is trying to sneak in through your mouth? Is it because some Pope started blessing people who sneezed during the Plague because he feared they caught it? Regardless, no one believes any of those theories anymore, so there’s no reason to continue. The only way I will ever say ‘God Bless You’ again is if we change it from sneezing to farting. Whenever someone rips a solid crack, I would applaud them with a hearty “Bless You!”, as if to say ‘God has blessed you with a magnificent gift. Congratulations!’
The whole God Bless You scandal is as meaningless as my fart blessing idea. Just the act of telling someone ‘Bless You’ wastes everyone’s time. We’re already distracted by the loud nose explosion, we don’t have to further distract ourselves by sending neurons to our brain, instructing it to speak words that people take for granted anyway. We could be using those neurons to bring our attention back to our work, because you'll need to do that anyway. Or you can use it to write web pages, convincing others to rethink their usage of the bless you phrase. With all the people I didn't bless today, I saved up enough brain power and time to write this article. What have you done? Have fun blessing people for no reason, suckers!