Two Quick Ways
to Ruin Your Child's Life
Feb. 19, 2003
Want to subject your kids to a life of personal anguish, public humiliation, and long-term mental problems? Then you’ve come to the right place! Now, we all know that there are tons of ways to slowly annihilate your child’s confidence, like yelling at them in front of their friends for missing a catch in baseball. Actually, that’s valid for a parent to do, these kids should be better ball players. Or giving them constructive criticism, such as “If you wear that shirt, people will think you’re a slut. Wear this one instead, it makes you look fat." But those things take years to see results. In this age of cellular telephones and the World Wide Web, we demand immediacy. And with that, I now present two quick ways to ruin your child’s life.
The first thing you could do is take them to this Easter Bunny.
Any kid sitting in the lap of this oversized, lop-eared fuck is certain to spend their teenage years dressed in black, deciphering the words to every Led Zeppelin song…Only to find out years later that they’re about the Lord of the Rings.
Of course, if you
don’t want to wait for your child to grow a few years, you can
ruin them before they take their first breath. How, you ask? By giving
them a horrendous name! The gift that keeps on giving, handing out an
errant name is the one thing you have control over for the rest of their
lives. Sure they could try to change it, but by the time they can do
that legally, the damage will be done. Imagine the hours of fun you’ll
have watching the look on people’s faces when you tell them you’ve
named your child Essence Divine, or Cheeseburger. Or take great pleasure
in watching kids pronounce little Jantaniqua Shabamba’s name!
More and more, parents
seem to be getting their kids’ names from shampoo flavors. Why
not join in the fun? “My Sequoia Breeze is so wonderful, she just
loves kindergarten.” Hippies may think it’s liberating and
unique to break the mold, but you know you’re simply cementing
this kid’s life in mediocrity. And that’s why hippies suck.
Oh wait, that’s a different article.
So there you have it. No need to slowly condition your son to develop a questioning sexuality. And no need to drive your daughter into the arms of a 32-year old man. By giving them names such as Weinerbutt Smith and Albacore Solstice Jones, they’ll be well on their way to looking like this…