ladies ready to get rocked by some hardcore cuddling?
know, just when you think you’re in a bad mood, something like
this comes along and changes your whole perspective on life…
11 -- After 67-year-old Hurshell Ralls went into surgery for bladder
cancer, he came out of surgery missing more than he ever expected.
His penis and testicles were gone. "My wife had to hold my hand
in the bed there. And she said 'Honey it's over. They got all the
cancer.' And she waited a few minutes and then said 'But they had
to remove your penis.' And I was one mad dude, you know," Ralls
said on ABCNEWS' Good Morning America.
Ralls, a mechanic, says doctors never warned him or his wife that
amputation of the penis and testicles might have been part of surgery
before he went in for the procedure in November 1999. Ralls filed
a negligence lawsuit against the Clinics of North Texas in Wichita
Falls, and the doctors who operated on him. The civil case is set
for trial Aug. 25.
was never even discussed. And I felt like he ought to have at least
told us that this might be a possibility so that we could have talked
it over even before he was admitted to the hospital," said Thelma
Ralls, his wife. In a February deposition, Ralls' doctor said that
he determined the cancer had spread to the penis while he was removing
Ralls' bladder. Doctors did not send a tissue sample to the lab until
after the surgery. A Dallas doctor who examined cell slides later
found that Ralls did not have penile cancer.
Life seems pretty good about now. But you can’t help but read
this article and wonder the total mindfuck ol’ Hurshell is going
through right now. Put yourself in his shoes, waking up from cancer
surgery, your wife holding your hand. She looks a little happy, but
also really, really concerned. And she says, ‘they got all the
which you’d probably reply, “Oh, they did?? That’s
life is finally turning around! I couldn’t be happier. Oh honey,
I love you, and I realize how precious life truly is. All I want to
do right now is go home and have sex with you all night long, like Lionel
Richie sa...I’m sorry what? Gone? Both of them? How the fuck?
Well, at least I still have my…huh? All of it?”
Okay, first of all…His wife must really hate him. Because if I
were Hurshell and I just got out of a surgery where they accidentally
threw my penis in the garbage, that better be the FIRST thing you tell
me. Don’t get my hopes up by saying they got rid of the cancer
only to follow it up with news that they snagged my penis as well. FOR
NO REASON! Might as well put the cancer back in.
Well, maybe that’s a little extreme, but it presents a sickeningly
skewered question about life. (And apparently clever word usage as well)
What is a man without his member?
Aside from the obvious benefit of no longer waiting in line for the
bathroom at a concert, it's pretty much the worst thing that could happen
to a human being short of dying. Your desires are still going to be
as strong as your phantom pains. And like the phantom pain, the desire
cannot be stopped. Hurshell has a wife...Well, he has a wife for now.
But he’s just lost the very thing that drives his fellow man’s
daily objectives. It all comes back to the crotch. Men get jobs so they
can afford to go out on the weekends and meet a woman to take our pants
off for. We work out to have better bodies so women will be attracted
to us and want to take our pants off. We crack jokes, open doors, put
our napkins in our laps, drink beer out of glasses in fancy restaurants,
give compliments, write for web sites, go to shitty movies, and wash
our clothes all in hopes that women will touch our penis.
And it’s the only reason we ever stop playing video games.
Of course, by writing words such as ‘we’ and ‘write
for web sites,’ you may think I’m including myself in this
group. Unlike those one-track bastards, I’m a gentleman, and I
do any of the above things out of manners and respect for all human
Oh yeah, we also lie.
enough gleeful digression. Think of the meatless man who believes having
children is the central meaning of life. He’s just become an atheist.
If such a significant symbol of strength and identity was taken away
from you by a belligerent doctor, you’re going to be re-thinking
the way you live your life. It may be utterly pointless, but there are
a few benefits. Imagine not having to laugh at a girl's unending story
just because she has large breasts. Imagine saying all those things
you wanted to say to your ex-girlfriend, knowing full well her knee
is powerless against your impenetrable, non-existent anatomy. You’ll
never get accused of sexual harassment. There’s nothing in it
for you! You can sit and watch a porno, and never feel embarrassed that
someone will walk in at an awkward moment. Instead, you can bask in
the newly discovered anguish of watching an adult film without genitals!
My sympathy goes out to Hurshell and his wife. But I also thank them
for making me feel better about myself. And whenever someone you know
is feeling down, you can always say, ‘Welp. At least you didn’t
have your penis accidentally cut off.’
you just thanked your genitals for still being attached to you, then
looked around to see if anyone saw you, email Guerrs