The Most Meatless Meat Ever
August 20th, 2003

So…You ladies ready to get rocked by some hardcore cuddling?

You know, just when you think you’re in a bad mood, something like this comes along and changes your whole perspective on life…

Aug. 11 -- After 67-year-old Hurshell Ralls went into surgery for bladder cancer, he came out of surgery missing more than he ever expected. His penis and testicles were gone. "My wife had to hold my hand in the bed there. And she said 'Honey it's over. They got all the cancer.' And she waited a few minutes and then said 'But they had to remove your penis.' And I was one mad dude, you know," Ralls said on ABCNEWS' Good Morning America.

Ralls, a mechanic, says doctors never warned him or his wife that amputation of the penis and testicles might have been part of surgery before he went in for the procedure in November 1999. Ralls filed a negligence lawsuit against the Clinics of North Texas in Wichita Falls, and the doctors who operated on him. The civil case is set for trial Aug. 25.

"It was never even discussed. And I felt like he ought to have at least told us that this might be a possibility so that we could have talked it over even before he was admitted to the hospital," said Thelma Ralls, his wife. In a February deposition, Ralls' doctor said that he determined the cancer had spread to the penis while he was removing Ralls' bladder. Doctors did not send a tissue sample to the lab until after the surgery. A Dallas doctor who examined cell slides later found that Ralls did not have penile cancer.

Life seems pretty good about now. But you can’t help but read this article and wonder the total mindfuck ol’ Hurshell is going through right now. Put yourself in his shoes, waking up from cancer surgery, your wife holding your hand. She looks a little happy, but also really, really concerned. And she says, ‘they got all the cancer.’

To which you’d probably reply, “Oh, they did?? That’s great! My life is finally turning around! I couldn’t be happier. Oh honey, I love you, and I realize how precious life truly is. All I want to do right now is go home and have sex with you all night long, like Lionel Richie sa...I’m sorry what? Gone? Both of them? How the fuck? Well, at least I still have my…huh? All of it?”

Okay, first of all…His wife must really hate him. Because if I were Hurshell and I just got out of a surgery where they accidentally threw my penis in the garbage, that better be the FIRST thing you tell me. Don’t get my hopes up by saying they got rid of the cancer only to follow it up with news that they snagged my penis as well. FOR NO REASON! Might as well put the cancer back in.

Well, maybe that’s a little extreme, but it presents a sickeningly skewered question about life. (And apparently clever word usage as well) What is a man without his member?

Aside from the obvious benefit of no longer waiting in line for the bathroom at a concert, it's pretty much the worst thing that could happen to a human being short of dying. Your desires are still going to be as strong as your phantom pains. And like the phantom pain, the desire cannot be stopped. Hurshell has a wife...Well, he has a wife for now. But he’s just lost the very thing that drives his fellow man’s daily objectives. It all comes back to the crotch. Men get jobs so they can afford to go out on the weekends and meet a woman to take our pants off for. We work out to have better bodies so women will be attracted to us and want to take our pants off. We crack jokes, open doors, put our napkins in our laps, drink beer out of glasses in fancy restaurants, give compliments, write for web sites, go to shitty movies, and wash our clothes all in hopes that women will touch our penis.

And it’s the only reason we ever stop playing video games.

Of course, by writing words such as ‘we’ and ‘write for web sites,’ you may think I’m including myself in this group. Unlike those one-track bastards, I’m a gentleman, and I do any of the above things out of manners and respect for all human life.

Oh yeah, we also lie.

But enough gleeful digression. Think of the meatless man who believes having children is the central meaning of life. He’s just become an atheist. If such a significant symbol of strength and identity was taken away from you by a belligerent doctor, you’re going to be re-thinking the way you live your life. It may be utterly pointless, but there are a few benefits. Imagine not having to laugh at a girl's unending story just because she has large breasts. Imagine saying all those things you wanted to say to your ex-girlfriend, knowing full well her knee is powerless against your impenetrable, non-existent anatomy. You’ll never get accused of sexual harassment. There’s nothing in it for you! You can sit and watch a porno, and never feel embarrassed that someone will walk in at an awkward moment. Instead, you can bask in the newly discovered anguish of watching an adult film without genitals!

My sympathy goes out to Hurshell and his wife. But I also thank them for making me feel better about myself. And whenever someone you know is feeling down, you can always say, ‘Welp. At least you didn’t have your penis accidentally cut off.’

If you just thanked your genitals for still being attached to you, then looked around to see if anyone saw you, email Guerrs

© 2003 The Decking Crew