Teaching Kids Across America How to Suck
October 20th, 2003
I tell ya, there aren’t many things for kids that grab my interest anymore. But when it’s something that completely tears down a child and prepares them for the desolate realities of a disappointing life, I’ve gotta pay attention. Have you ever caught a skateboarder attempting a 180 Ollie McBullshit on the local park bench, only to watch their board go flying twelve feet behind them and their legs scramble to catch their balance? I guarantee you have. These kids are trying to perform an act called “skateboarding,” where they attempt "tricks" that are supposed to end with them staying on their board. These ridiculous ideas are put in their head by the few people who can actually accomplish this...and of course, video games.
as you're watching this kid plant his teeth into the pavement, note
the lack of disappointment on his bloody face. He just failed, but doesn’t
care. Because he expects to. The ratio of completing a trick to failing
must be astounding, and kids have been trained to accept that. This
will make it easier when they fall miserably short of their dreams and
accept a mindless cubicle job to support themselves. Is it the kids'
fault for being brought up to fail? Of course it is! But for the sake
of going along with today's trend of blaming everyone else for our own
problems, I'll blame Tony Hawk.
is not an accepted sport. Parents would much rather see their children
practicing baseball or basketball, because it gives the parent a chance
to relive their failed childhood, and there's always the potential that
the kid'll get lucky and have a shot at the pros. In fact, most kids
can't join a skateboarding team or take skateboarding classes. It's
a very lonely sport, like golf, and I'm surprised some parents are against
it so much, seeing as they often take pride in tearing down their child's
self esteem. Why not just let Tony Hawk help you out?
Hawk’s Pro Skater (the video game, for complete morons or old
people reading this) has revolutionized the way we look at skateboarding.
It's completely shattered the perception of the hobby. It's completely
exaggerated because if it were a simulation, everyone would get frustrated
repeatedly falling off their board doing a "simple" railslide.
Barely any of the tricks performed in Tony Hawk can be done in real
life. They're outrageous, ridiculous, and so much more fun than real
skateboarding. Unfortunately, kids are dumb and don't realize this,
so they go out, try to become a skater, and immediately are set up for
that disappointment. They quickly find that, 'holy shit, this is tough!
This requires practice! And I have a better shot of growing a third,
stronger leg out of my ass for better balance! Even then, I won't be
able to perform half the kickass moves my video game shows me!'
If you like flipkicking to failure, email Guerrs