The Decking Crew
Guide to Actors You No Longer Need To Care About
December 1st, 2003
It is the duty of the Decking Crew to point out the obvious to most people, because most people are too stupid to notice the obvious. For example, that sentence was so obviously simple, it reiterated itself in the second half so stupid people could understand. And since we’re so damn pop-culture centric, I’ve culled a list of the most obvious actors who should not be given any more attention. Due to the stupid people mentioned earlier, these actors continue to get jobs, and continue to ruin entertainment for millions of intelligent people.
To give you a better understanding of where these actors stand, we've developed a completely scientific scale to determine their worthlessness. It is known as the Overstaying Their Welcome Scale, or OTWS, to the lazy net jerks who like typing LOL. This scale has a 0% margin of error, and can never be questioned.
It all started several days ago, when I was subjected to a cruel form of torture. A pain beyond simultaneously having both kneecaps busted, a gunshot wound to the stomach, and a dick in your ear. I was forced to watch Boat Trip. And while my eyes were begging to be pried out with a shoe horn, I came to an astonishing realization that answers a question many have asked for years: What the hell happened to Cuba Gooding Jr.?? Of course, the answer to that is: Nothing. Cuba Gooding was never that good.
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Back in 1996, Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar for his role in Jerry Maguire. Immediately, he was placed on a pedestal and sparked a catch phrase so annoying, it transcended generations. You could walk down the street and hear a fifty year old man yelling "Show me the money," and go two more steps and hear some frat guy yelling, "Show me the money, fuck face!" And since then, people have been scratching their heads at the decisions Cubes makes. But they shouldn’t. People should be scratching their heads at how lucky he was to be Rod Tidwell. Sure, he made a catch phrase famous. But he didn’t write it, he just read it off a script. Well, he yelled it actually. And that’s probably why he won an Oscar. Because everyone knows that yelling = good acting. Al Pacino's made quite a career out of that. Fortunately, I cut Michael Corleone a little slack. Let's stay focused though.
In order to understand the meteoric flatline of Cuba's career, you need to look at his work on a whole. His break came in Boyz in the Hood, where he played Tre, and he cried. A lot. So people assumed he was a good actor. But after Boyz…nothing. His best role until Jerry Maguire was probably Lightning Jack, because he didn’t have to talk. He even got outperformed by a monkey in Outbreak. Then he did Jerry Maguire, and was shoved in people's faces. But since he was never great to begin with, he was like a two-legged deer caught in the headlights of one of those bullshit diesel-fueled Dodge Rams. Now his poor decisions were seen by many more people. Well, they were noticed by more people. Not many people have actually seen Snow Dogs. Or Chill Factor. Or Boat Trip. Or The Fighting Temptations. And now…Radio. You know, that movie sucked the first time when it was called The Waterboy.
So I hope to never hear this topic argued again. Cuba has always made bad decisions, it’s nothing new. Actors sometimes get lucky with roles. Shit, Marlon Wayans was in Requiem for a Dream and followed it up with Scary Movie 2, but no one wonders what happened to him. No matter how many handicapped people you play Cuba, you can never heal your crippled career.
On the Overstaying Their Welcome Scale, Cuba ranks a 3
before has one man made such a long career off looking similar to his
brother. (Save the Frank Stallone jokes) Jim Belushi is so bad, he couldn’t
even get a part in Blues Brothers 2000. That’s an indication of
this man’s career. Was there ever a moment in the history of the
world where someone out there watching trailers for movies said, "ooh,
it’s got Jim Belushi!" Not for Mr. Destiny. Not for K-9.
Not for K-911. Not even for K-9:P.I. Dude, people are coming back for
the hilarious antics of a dog working the beat as a cop. Not you.
The man can’t even make music seem interesting! Aykroyd looks like he's about to burst into tears, and the Belush just realized his career amounts to nothing. They must have had a contest among their daughters to see who could come up with the best album cover. I'm not sure why they picked the loser. In any event, we give permission to forget him forever.
In my depressing research of his career, I stumbled across the fact that Jim Belushi was able to squeeze his way into Snow Dogs as a voice! Coincidence that he and Cubert are on the same list?? Because of this, he ranks a 2 on the Overstaying Their Welcome Scale.
Ooh, it’s over. Forget it. The voice has changed, the head has grown to abnormal proportions, the cuteness factor eradicated. You knew something was wrong when they stuffed Haley Joel in a hideous bear suit for Country Bears. And the fact that he was IN Country Bears gives you an indication of the way his career is heading.
See you in about ten years, when you're trying to jump start your career on a "Does Anyone Care Where They Are Now?" show, when you're pleading to the camera, "Remember? Pay it Forward! Someone has to remember!!" Right now his career is like the first ending of AI (you know, before Spielberg realized he might actually be making a movie with a dark ending). He's trapped staring at the blue fairy, but this time, Spielberg won't be able to whip up a flash forward to save Haley's career. It would be easy to put hilarious jokes about Haley's comet, or milk the Sixth Sense even more than it already has been, but he's just a kid, so I'll cut him a little slack. He'll have enough anguish dealing with child stardom over his long life. His career is over, but he only ranks a Five on the OTWS.
Wow. Remember when everyone was so excited that John Travolta’s career was revived? Then remember when people once again realized this was the same guy who made Look Who’s Talking Now? For a stretch of maybe three years, John Travolta had a nice jolt in his career, and I blame it all on Tarantino. If it weren’t for Pulp Fiction, the world may have never known the horror that is Battlefield Earth, a movie single handedly brought to the screen by Travolta’s newfound stroke. That movie alone should have sunk John Boy right back into obscurity with Kirstie Alley. Instead, he just kept making movies. Ever see Lucky Numbers? A horrible movie with a Friend in it? What a surprise. A Civil Action? Are you sure? Movies about toxic water are always suspenseful. Basic? Here’s the synopsis: Basically, it sucked. As mediocre and uninteresting as these “movies” are, nothing can match the disaster of Battlefield. I think in years to come, if they ever do mind reprogramming like in Clockwork Orange, they’ll pry your eyes open and force you to watch Battlefield Earth on repeat. That is the only proper use I can think of for that movie. And because of that, we are all given sanction to stop paying attention to John Travolta. His inept sense of picking horrible roles, along with his creepy love for scientology put him at number 1 on the OTWS.
That's it for this edition. I'd like to congratulate this year's class, as they've all worked very poorly to get where they aren't today. And to those aspiring to make our next list, keep pounding out garbage and we'll continue to not watch it.
if you can't believe Freddie Prinze Jr. isn't on this list, place your vote at Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com