Instant Comedy!
March 15th, 2004

You know, there are so many great things in this beautiful land that make people laugh. Things that always bring a smile to a face. No matter your mood, once you swallow a dose of these comedic pills, you forget all the cares in the world and share a hearty guffaw! Why, you might even say these things are instant comedy! I’m sure you’re asking yourself, ‘Hey, I’m an average American and I enjoy laughter, what are these wonders of hilarity which he speaks of?’ Unfortunately, you’re probably also waiting for an answer, forgetting you just asked yourself a question you don’t know the answer to. And that is one of the reasons why you think these things are funny! So in honor of you, who always laughs at the same thing no matter how overdone it is, I’ve compiled a list of Instant Comedy! Just for you guys! Get ready for uncontrollable fits of laughter combined with a wincing pain. But for now, nevermind the pain!

1. Goofy Novelty Hats!

These brain stranglers never stop being so darn funny! Look at this guy with the hat on! Doesn’t that just brighten his personality 110%? You know when you’re going through those novelty shops, and that one friend always has to stop at the hat rack and show you how funny he can be by placing a piece of felt on his head? What a comedian he is, taking that mass-produced lice farm and resting it on his laugh factory of a head! And if he’s truly hysterical, he’ll finish off the gag with some oversized glasses! Whoa buddy, get that guy a situational comedy!

2) Slogan T Shirts

If you thought a striped hat was funny, be sure to put your milk down when this fella comes strolling by! Because he’s got something he wants to say…with his shirt! Nothing gets your attention quicker than a black T shirt with white letters asking “Who Farted?” Who farted! Here is a man too busy to ask the important questions, but still interested in knowing the answer. He just lets his shirt do the talking. After people recover from their chortle spasms, you know who they’ll be talking about? No, not the guy who created the t-shirt, silly! It’s the guy who bought it! He’s the true genius! And the one with balls! So the next time you wear a shirt that says Bush Is A Vagina, take comfort in the fact that secret service agents will be doubled over in laughter instead of doubling you over with a running lariat!

That's funny in an artistically retarded way.

3) Halloween Costumes of Pimps and Women!

You guys are unique!

When a frat guy is dealt the hefty task of deciding what Halloween costume to wear this year, he can be sure to rely on a couple giggle triggers that everyone recognizes as risky AND original. I’m talking about dressing up as a pimp or a woman! How hilarious that these guys can either embrace or neuter their raging heterosexuality by donning a wig or a hat with a feather in it. Sure to win First Prize in the ‘I Can’t Be an Asshole If I’m Willing to Embarrass Myself This Bad’ contest, these costumes will surely have people sitting on IM later and typing “OMG, did you see Trevor dressed up as that pregnant nun?? I was totally ROTFLMAO! LOL! LOL! TTYL!”

Now THAT'S Comedy!

4) Raymond! Cuz Everyone Loves Him!

Everybody Loves Raymond is soooo funny that they don’t even put jokes in an entire episode! Watching this program is like watching real life, and we all know how laugh-till-you-choke funny everyday life is! Here’s a sample from an Everybody Loves Raymond episode:
Mom: Oh Raymond. Why do you make fun of your brother?
Raymond: Because I like to, ma.
Audience: Riotous Fits of Laughter
Me: What the fuck??

5) Didn’t See You There OR The Ultimate Flirt

Moments before the ultimate pickup line

Who can resist a man of wit, charm, and comedic timing that rivals Sylvester Stallone in Oscar? This writer can’t, and I’m not even gay! But it seems no matter how shy, paranoid, deformed, or Stallone-esque you are, there’s one great line of instant comedy you can use on a lady that puts you over the top every time. Just casually walk up to her, lower your shoulder and knock her off her balance! As she begins to recover and turns to assault you, smile and bust out, “Oh, well excuse me. I didn’t see you there!” Then...bathe yourself in the chuckle shower! There has never been an instance in history where this joke wasn’t funny to either people involved, and is especially effective with guys who are only comfortable around girls when overcompensating for their masculinity or asking, “Wanna fight? When should we fight?” God damn, those guys are comedians!

You may recall in the beginning, I mentioned a wincing pain. And though you think that wincing pain is from smiling so much, it’s actually the sharp jab of reality poking you in the chest like a pointy finger. Instant comedy is nothing more than really stupid people being tricked into thinking this is the first time these jokes have been told. In fact, I even referenced Stallone in Oscar! That, of course, was a trick. Not merely as instant as, say, mentioning that Gigli was a bigger bomb than (insert insensitive joke about a large bomb that exploded) (Then insert huge laughter). And that's just how easy instant comedy can be! Just find something that someone has already made, and wear it, either proverbially or physically! I don't care either way, I'm over here with the world's straightest face.

If you just threw away that Cat in the Hat Hat you bought at King's Island because of this article, strive for better jokes with

© 2004 The Decking Crew