I'm a Narrow-Minded Bastard!
Fan Mail
March 30th, 2004

I tell ya, for being so passive, hippies and potheads are defensive. I get more mail from my articles about hippies and weed than anything else. Of course, most of them are lazy, monosyllabic pleas to lighten up, but hey, at least they're trying. I'm posting the following e-mail (in response to my weed article) mostly because it's longer than one word and is totally contradictory, furthering my point about weed. Read on and I'll explain when you're done...

Since I'm being accused of hating people before I know them by someone who hates me and doesn't know me, I will bypass the comedy potential in his phrase "pre-assembled mindset" and destroy this person's entire argument with just one ingenious counterpoint...

He writes:
“These people are posers. And their threat extends beyond marijuana into all forms of substance abuse. People who use drugs or alcohol, not only for enjoyment, but also for the sake of people knowing that they do it; they are the true idiots. They build it up like some sort of lifestyle.”

I totally agree with you! Especially the part about people doing something for the sake of others knowing that they do it. I believe you're trying to say they're putting it on display because they think it's cool. Unfortunately for you, I happened to check your AOL profile.

Name: Kenny aka BP Gunny
Location: Seekonk, MA, USA! USA! USA! USA!
Gender: Male
Marital Status: never been, not gonna be
Hobbies & Interests: Rocking and rolling all night and partying everyday
Favorite Gadgets: Is a beer funnel a gadget?

Occupation: Student...more or less
Personal Quote: "Don't you hate pants?!" -Homer Simpson
"I don't know if anybody's got the loot! I don't know who's dead, I don't know who's alive, I don't know who's caught, I don't know who's not!" -Nice Guy Eddie

What's this?? Don’t you think a horrible Kiss quote about partying and jokes about beer bongs placed on a public forum are for the sake of others knowing that you do it? I'm not sure. I mean, that would make someone a true idiot if so. But luckily, you just smoke pot everyday and don't tell anyone about it. Not even strangers that you e-mail.

That's it. This Hate Mail stamped INVALID. But just in case I'm accused of copping out by avoiding any of the points he's trying to make, I'll throw out a couple extras...

"You feel that marijuana use is below you and you prefer to reserve your braincells so you can write undeveloped articles regarding topics that have been done to death by other antisocialites who needed someone to rip on so they could feel better about themselves."

I’m not above marijuana use, never said I was. I’m above laughing any time pot is shown in a movie. I just went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind a week ago, and there was some moron behind me dying laughing when Kirsten Dunst lit up a joint. Yeah, that's hilarious.

"So, in the end, you are a pretty narrowminded bastard. Hating people before you know them says one of two things about one's character: 1. This person is in fact, his or herself, a poser; or 2. This person is not very sociable and uses contempt as an excuse for their withdrawal."

Of course, you assume so many things that it helps you build your case against me. Such as the fact that I hate people without knowing them. The whole point of writing this article was because I know people EXACTLY LIKE THIS. I’m speaking from my own personal experiences and sharing it. If you were offended by something in that article and assumed that I hate you, then you may have related to the things I was talking about. It's much more about your reaction than my writing. And since I'm hating the people I know, it completely voids out your other two assumptions about my character, which are off the mark anyway.

The point is, this guy only further supported my thoughts on pot. If my article was underdeveloped, BP Gunny wouldn’t have finished reading it, and wouldn’t have spent 35 minutes crafting a hate mail. If I'm reading something that is poorly written and uninteresting, I don't waste time contacting the author about it. Usually I find that little red X in the top right corner of my screen. And I click the shit out of it. So by writing me mail, you have proved your argument useless. And also, by calling me broseph at the end of the e-mail, you’ve made any criticism of my humor useless as well. Because that’s embarrassingly unfunny.

Here, I got you a present.

Now run, go long. Keep going. Further. Further. No, a little further…

Yeah, that’s good.

If you know that going bowling means that for the time that you bowl, you are actually considered to be a bowler, grab a lane with Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com

Oh, also [insert amusing means of punishment or execution here]. Because it really is amusing.

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