America Always Gets What It Wants!
May 14th, 2004

America is a country of excess. While this can be a good thing in some cases (such as Icees, video games, and bagel bites), the bad always follows close behind. The population seems to confuse the good excesses from the horrible, retina-charring ones, so they demand more of all the wrong things. If the American public shows even the faintest interest in something, it will be packaged, marketed, given an action figure, aired 24 hours, placed on bases in a major league stadium, and plastered on the back of a boxer. Then you're fucked. Sadly, the things that are being overcooked and shoved in our mouths are usually the lowest common denominator of American culture, things that make terrorists sit in caves and say, “You know, this cave, it’s not so bad here. At least I don’t have to hear about how the Friends finale sucked.” Now, before you can say ‘Hey wait, the terrorist is clearly aware that a show called Friends exists, and obviously had to hear that it sucked,’ I’ll get to my big, fat examples. Here are 4 statements America was proclaiming several months ago, and how excess affected them.

1) "Oh my God, Outkast is the greatest thing to happen to music since Rob Thomas collaborated with that Santana guy!"

Thanks everyone. Thanks a lot. Outkast gives us a double dose of singles, America rockets its load upon hearing them, and our ears are strangled for months to come. As the proclamations from the Grammy gods (*cough* golden calf *cough*) came down, Outkast was given free reign to do whatever they want. With their newfound success, do they release an interesting, challenging song to bring them back to their ATLiens days? Not with America breathing down their neck! Instead, we get Roses, which deteriorates Outkast to a hollow, soulless gimmick. Roses really smell like poo poo poo? It's as if they were sitting around saying, 'What is THE WORST song on this album that we can get away with releasing as a single? How about that Mad Lib we did as a joke where we talk about stinky roses?' Outkast has been going the way of the gimmicky single for years now (Bombs over Baghdad, anyone?), but this is the ultimate instance of exploiting excess. But hey, America asked for more Outkast. And that's just what we got. A whole, odorless shitload of 'em.

2) "Haha! That Jessica Simpson is so stupid!"

The Defense Department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.

Well, look who's stupid now, jerks! Because everyone laughed when she thought Chicken of the Sea was chicken, Jessica "ProActiv" Simpson turned around and exploited it right in your chuckling faces. As if having her own reality show based on her lack of intelligence and spoiled lifestyle wasn't enough, she gave us a variety show, numerous commercials playing off her "stupid" image, and even sang a song from Top Gun. Because of you America, she actually RE-released her CD so she could add that damn Top Gun song. See, some people like that song because it evokes memories of Tom Cruise. But when I think of Top Gun, I think of Goose, and when I think of Goose, I think of Goose dying. And the last thing I want to do is be reminded of Goose's death when I see Jessica Simpson. The great irony about this is that Jessica Simpson is hugely famous because of people pointing out her stupidity. The products she churns out are inherently dumb, and people are snatching them right up. Even though she's not smart enough to convince America she's just acting stupid, she's stupid enough to convince me that Americans are not smart. R.I.P. Nick 'Goose' Bradshaw.

3) "William Hung is such a horrible singer! I can't help but laugh my ass off!"

Yeah, that's right. My satan's purple.

Ol' Will took a page from Jessica's playbook. Unfortunately, Hung is like all those one-joke SNL sketches that last 13 sketches too long, then get adapted into a 72 minute movie of agony. The fact that this guy a) recorded an album and b) had it land on the Billboard charts shows you this country's mentality level. Here's a guy who actually has a negative amount of talent, so bad he sucks the talent from those around him. But instead of using that talent himself, he is forced to hand it down to the Devil as payment for his fame. William Hung could quite possibly a minion of Beelzebub, placed on this Earth to steal the talent and spotlight from those who dedicated their life to the craft of music. I see no other purpose for him.

4) "We want more Decking Crew updates!"

Sorry folks. We don't follow trends. So we actually decided to give you LESS Decking Crew over the past few months as punishment for the crimes listed above. Hopefully now you've learned your lesson, and we can get back to regular updates. Band together America, and stop devouring marginally amusing (and I use the word marginally marginally) crap, because we all have to suffer the path of overplayed, worn-out excess. refuses to do an ending tagline on his birthday.

© 2004 The Decking Crew