Giving the People What They Want.
(Or How Sick Fucks Find Our Site)

June 7th, 2004

Here we go. It's time once again to find out how people are finding the site, and to appease those who don't get what they're looking for. In maintaining this site, we are often confronted with the awkward misfortune of seeing how people find the us through search engines. Most of the time they are harmless, innocent concerns everyone has like "getting mommy pregnant" and "underpants, how to wear." But every couple days or so, some lonely soul gets a hankerin' for some fucked up, slightly-illiterate shit such as "women desperate too pee," and somehow stumble onto our site. Then they leave, disappointed that not only are there no desperate women here, there's no pee as, too.

The last two times I did this (here and here), I said I wasn't here to judge. That the Decking Crew welcomes all 'net dwellers to indulge in their most devious fuckuppery. But this time, I'm starting to get a little frightened. Unfortunately, if I didn't want those people coming here, I would have to stop writing this article...And it's just too damn fun. Time to give the minority what they want...One freak at a time.

How to Fuck an Eggplant

I may need to type this one again just so I understand. How to fuck an eggplant. Yep, okay. Got it. First of all, this seems like one of those questions that never has to be asked. I'm sure the person searching for this has tried to fuck other things before leaping onto an eggplant. Cuz I don't think an eggplant is a gateway fuck. It's more like the heroin of fuckable objects. If you've reached an eggplant, the only place to go from there is power tools and sea creatures, I would imagine. And who is trying to have sex with this eggplant? Is it a guy? A girl? It's best not to think much further than I just did, things tend to get messy. In your mind. But hey, I guess there are a few people out there who need to know. So I've provided a step by step process on how to get an eggplant into bed.

Step 1: Purchase Eggplant

Head to your local produce department and drool over the large selection. It'll be easy to pick out your favorite one, because their different varieties all sound like names of dildos. I swear to God, these are some actual eggplant variety names: Epic, Black Beauty, Elongated Fruit, Burpee Hybrid, Ghostbuster, Slim Jim, and Little Fingers. No wonder someone wants these things so bad.

Step 2: Woo Excessively

Look, just cuz it's a vegetable doesn't mean it's easy. You gotta pump some effort into this thing before you can pump your thing into it. Or, whatever you want to do with it. Besides, if you're trying to have sex with an eggplant, you probably won't be woo'ing anything that can talk back for a while. So enjoy the time you have with your Black Beauty.

Step 3: Uhh, Fuck the Eggplant?

Making the first move

I now realize if you actually want to accomplish Step 3, you may have skipped Step 2. But that's okay. You're obviously not looking for a relationship. Turn the lights low, light some candles, pop some Train in your CD player, (not only because you suck hard, but also because I actually found out they have a song called Eggplant. Coincidence?), and see where the night takes you. I have a feeling your chances are pretty good.

Colors of the United States of America Flag

Aren't we so proud of that flag that waves high? The one on every street corner, in every school, on every suburban asshole's car who thought being patriotic after 9/11 meant buying a flag that gets torn up in the wind. I'm thinking that the person who searched for this was color blind and missing a brain. But in case there are people out there who really don't know what the color of the flag is, I'll help you out. So that you may share in the pride of this great, great country. The colors of the United States flag are actually Red, White, and Lionel Richie.

Tonya is Married, but Really Hot... Columbus

I guess people still think you can enter completely vague, personal thoughts into search engines and get a picture of your friend's mom from Columbus in her bathing suit, lying on top of a corvette. No such luck on our site. I did some searching though, and came up with a possible solution...How about Tonya Palmer-Stump, 1999's Mrs. Ohio?!?! Hailing from Columbus, this hitched hottie swept the competition in such harrowing categories as Aerobic Wear. Here she is now, modeling that one piece spandex.

Absolutely divorcilicious! Especially when contestants for Mr. Ohio are judged based on their abilities to 'strut their stuff to "Men In Black."

Bizarre, I know. But I'm glad I could help you, seeker of married midwest hot women.

Covering My Bases

God knows I couldn't answer all the searches I came across...Some because they're hard to put into words or visuals (such as 'zoolander, who you trying to get crazy with don`t you know i go loco on you') and some because it would be downright wrong ('shirtless pictures of ace of base,' '+temperature +rectal +child +preview +video +lesson')...But just so I have a shot at doing another one of these 6 months down the line, I'll just cover my bases and bring in some more freaks as I present this picture of Kevin Sorbo shooting some seaman on an ass-licking bitch in bondage.

If you pledge allegiance to the United States of Lionel, search for

© 2004 The Decking Crew