"Thank You, Michael Moore!"
July 7th, 2004

As the lights dimmed in the theater, I knew I was in for an experience. Something that would shock and amaze me. Shake me to my core. And bring uncontrollable tears to my eyes. And then it happened. Well, most of it. As the image of George W. Bush preparing for an address to the nation flashed on the screen, a voice came to me. A voice...from the audience. "Liar! Bush is a liar!" And this, my friends, encapsulates my experience of Fahrenheit 9/11. As the opening credits rolled on, the man in the audience continued to volley verbal blowjobs at the screen, clapping and laughing whenever a political 'have-more' was, GASP!, having makeup put on them before a live national television appearance. I was not gonna be able to take this much longer. Luckily, as Michael Moore's name graced the screen, the man yelled, "Thank you Michael Moore." To which my roommate so eloquently yelled back, "No. Thank you sir. You're helping us all." And then, the Twin Towers collapsed.

I'm not here to pound an over-praising review of Fahrenheit into your head, nor am I going to bash it for its inaccuracies. But I am going to thank Michael Moore for exposing the true idiots: Us. Sitting there in that dark theater, I started to wonder what kind of person talks to a movie screen with emphatic "No Blood for Oil!" statements. The only logical answer is that he is as self-promoting as Michael Moore, and can't stand to sit idly by while someone else bashes the president. And here's the thing. We're all in this movie together. We know what it's about. We know it's a clearly biased film. As an audience member, it is not your duty to tell
other audience members and a big white sheet where you stand politically. WE
DON'T CARE! If I wanted to hear your bullshit views, I'd pay 10 bucks to come to your house and speak with you. My 10 bucks is going to Michael Moore, so I want to hear what he has to say. Shut your trap. It's such a futile gesture for this man to yell out his beliefs. That's like if I went to Spider Man 2 and yelled out, "Spider Man fights for good! Doc Ock is mean!" I would then fully expect someone to point out, 'But Octavius is good at heart. It's the tentacles that make him bad!'

Stop stealing spotlights, Ray Bradbury. And continue napping.

Something was exposed to me during that screening. Michael Moore makes a lot of people look stupid. The magic of Moore is that most of the people aren't even in his documentaries. They are people like Ray Bradbury, who threatened to sue Moore because the title is a little too similar to Fahrenheit 451. Yeah, I can see that. I'm sure Ray Bradbury owns every combination of the word Fahrenheit proceeded by three digits. And for good measure, he probably snatched up any slashes, asterisks, smiley faces, and ASCII-drawn wieners that are placed in between. Trust me, no one will confuse 9/11 with 451. Don't be so egotistical to think your book is more important than the worst thing to happen to our country.

Who else has been caught doing some proverbial Post-Anti-Terrorism-Speech Golfing? How about Disney! Michael Moore has known for a long time that they wouldn't release the movie, but he didn't announce it until the movie was coming out. However misleading, it was shrewd and effective. And Disney is now sitting on top of an empire anchored by...Around the World in 80 Days, which I think has made a total of .35 cents. Have we learned nothing from the Passion of Riggs? Or maybe (since this has actually happened to them before)...Dogma?? Anyway, Disney now looks like a dick because they passed on a cheap movie that would have easily made back its money, even without a boost of extra controversy. And once again, the Weinstein's look like heroes. Oh, by the way, that guy in the theater also cheered them for the Weinstein's bravery in acquiring such an obvious cash cow. Seems strange that he would boo Bush and his greedy, rich friends, but cheer two guys who are equally greedy and rich. (See Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2) And now I deserve applause for making a Michael Moore-like stretch to show how dumb my fellow moviegoer was. No, seriously. I'll wait.

I'm surprised Moore didn't contrast Bush's inability to use a Segway
with the handling of the country.

Thank you, thank you. You may want to stop though, cuz you won't like what I'm going to say next. More than anyone, Michael Moore makes all of us look like idiots. I've heard a lot of crap about, "Oh my God, this movie will change votes! It will sway voters! Did it change your vote??" The inherent stupidity in these claims is that there really isn't any new information in Fahrenheit. But as a nation, we are lazy and want everything packaged and bow-tied for us. No one can bother going out and getting news on their own. So yeah, perhaps this documentary will convince people. But only because it has funny images of Bush acting like a dolt cut to silly music. Gee, we didn't know that already. And also because it is one-sided and relentless. People love movies. They don't love reading about politics. So who's going to win out? To take a tagline from an upcoming movie that will cause much less of a stir: Either way, we lose.

You SHOULD be ashamed!

Yeah, Bush is causing a lot of problems. And sure, he should be voted out next election. But to sit in a theater and preach insipid remarks to the choir is meaningless. And even more meaningless when moments later you are sitting in the dark, listening to the horrific sounds of September 11th. And that ends anyone's jovial banter.

If you would like to thank me, volley a verbal blowjob to Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com

© 2004 The Decking Crew