Jesus Wants You
to Read This Article!
September 14th, 2004
Since I still have an AOL account, I find myself constantly amused by a) how many South Africans know dead wealthy people with no heirs, and b) how much Jesus appreciates your business.
In my mailbox a few days ago was this e-mail:
Jesus wants me to save. At first I thought Jesus' secretary was sending me a recruitment e-mail. But then I opened the email:
Ohh, he doesn't want me to save people! He wants me to save..MONEY! Because the Lord Almighty is concerned about the bottom dollar. Since this e-mail, sent by purported "Christian" Lenders, is so completely Anti-Jesus, it got my thinking. If real-life, internet-abusing Christians can wave around the Christ image for the greater gain of their wallets, why can't someone like myself, a religious free agent if you will, use JC's help as well?? I mean, who's going to hell first? The people who claim to believe in Jesus, yet still use his likeness to dupe people into parting with their money...Or the owner of a hilarious (and free) web site?
You're right, we're both going to hell. Since that's the case..I feel like I'm coming down with a Christian-like case of Jesus Fever! I just sold several marketing campaigns to businesses across the country. Check 'em out.
I figure this one's a surefire winner. Christians will relate because they do in fact eat, and the ringing endorsement of the man who made buffets famous can't hurt!
Oh come on! Who doesn't want the backing of Jesus and two guys wearing ties?? You know when they do that clenched-fist lean on the desk it means they're casual enough to be your friend, but still tough enough to sue fast food companies because you burnt your tongue on cheese.
What happens when you have the ultimate tag team of the One who created the 10 commandments and the actor who played the man who found them? Celebration in the streets, my friend! And now that celebration can include blazing 30 rounds of 600 RPM rapid fire straight in the air! Since the President has let a crucial gun law expire, fans of the Messiah and the Mac 10 are totally excited about this new marketing campaign! We can finally bring weapons back where they belong: In the hands of crazed religious fanatics!
Yes, this is wrong in many, many ways. But come on, is it worse than using Jesus to snag your business? Those people are TAKING your money. At the strip club, you're GIVING it away! I'm sure Jesus believes giving is better than taking. Not sure about the whole stripper part though.
Trust me, if I go to hell for this post, I'd damn sure better see those responsible for the original e-mail down there with me. Actually, maybe not. At least I've got satire on my side. And the people who are using Jesus as their spokesperson for garbage that has nothing to do with religion are probably going beyond hell. Perhaps it's called Super Hell Deluxe. I'm sure the Devil will offer them a great, low rate.
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