God's Daily Chores!
February 16th, 2005

One month ago, the Steelers won their final game of the 2004 season against the Jets. It was a stunning, stressful victory that caused as much damage to my heart as a vat of crisco seasoned with chocolate-covered hot dogs. Following that victory, many of the players contributed the win not so much to grit, determination, and hard fought yardage, but to other things, like "fate" and "god." Here are some samples of the quotes:

"It comes with a lot of emotions and God was on our side today." - Hines Ward

"No question. I have faith and believe in God. He truly blessed us tonight."- Duce Staley

"Like I said before, it sounds a little corny, but God's in control. You just have to do your job. If it was His will for us to lose, then I'm just going to go on with that, live and learn with that". - Jeff Hartings

"Once again, like I said before, God had his hand in it. Because those two missed field goals and the way it happened ­ the way the game ended up ­ that doesn't happen very often. You just have to realize that."
- Antoine Randle El

God's a Steelers fan obviously. But he must be an even bigger Patriots fan, because he let them win two weeks later. Makes you wonder what God does in a day's work, and if after all this time, maybe he's just gone a bit loopy. Lucky for all of you, God, in his infinite loopiness, handed down a list of daily chores to me, of all people. This may explain why countries have nuclear capabilities. God clearly has other priorities.

1) Save the Steelers from losing. Flip a coin with Jesus to see if his beloved Pats will beat Pitt to get to the Super Bowl.

2) Make sure the jigsaw that gets caught in Mr. Harrison's skull doesn't leave permanent brain damage, but makes for a cool X-ray to pass around the internet.

3) Give Dave a parking spot close to work. He prayed extra hard last week.

4) Take away old lady Penny's retirement home sex life so she'll stop screaming my name. I know I made her, but I can't bear witness to that anymore.

5) Continue the never-ending battle for Earth against Damien by filling up a bucket with water, leaning it on Hell's Gate, and knocking on the door.

6) While I'm there, don't forget to take back John Travolta's soul from the Devil so his career can finally end.

7) Sneak in a nap.

8) Throw a bone to little 13 year old Harold Jones in Tennessee. He's been praying to get with his 27-year-old gym teacher for months. As a bonus, start an office pool for the number of times my name is cursed by men her age who tried to get with her and were shot down.

9) Challenge Hendrix to a guitar battle rematch. Rock his face directly off with a 14 hour solo using my 36 string custom Fender.

10) Kill all false idols.

11) Kill all American Idols.

12) Getting bored. Speed up Evolution to give humans chainsaws for hands.
Should spice things up.

If you know someone who can't pronounce Roethlisberger, look forward to next season with Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com


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