5 Halloween Movies You Must Rent
By Guerrs
10-19-05

Halloween’s coming up, which means pretty soon your friends are gonna want to rent some scary movies and drink some beers. Or soda pop. Like every year, you’ll go to the video store looking for something spoooooky and spend two hours debating what to get. Then you walk away with The Grudge or The Others or some other “The” movie, and most of your friends get bored or fall asleep, claiming fatigue or intoxication. But don’t be fooled…it’s all in the rental, folks! There’s a certain art form to selecting your Halloween movie. You don’t want minor scares. You need crazy, limb-ripping gore! You need campy, Z-list acting! You need a rock and roll killer with a corkscrew guitar as his weapon! I've crafted a perfect Halloween Movie List for the next time your friends want to rent some watered-down PG-13 Japanese rip-off with cliched images of bathtubs and creepy children. The following movies are gimmicky, gory, and hi-fuckin-larious.

Slumber Party Massacre II

This is a great movie for impressing friends and getting girls to like you. And by girls, I mean your guy friends who have dressed up like nuns for Halloween. Don’t worry about Slumber Party Massacre II being a sequel, it has nothing to do with the original. There are three things that will make you love this movie. 1) It’s about an all-girl’s slumber party, complete with skimpy, loose-hanging, 80’s style lingerie and a pillow fight with bonus Saved By The Bell-style guy spying. So far so good.

2) It’s got star power! SPM2 stars Crystal Bernard from Wings, rivaling Jennifer Aniston’s turn in Leprechaun as one of the all-time great ‘Obscure Career Choices by a Sitcom Actress.’

And 3) The killer is a murdering rocker wielding a corkscrew guitar! He jams out way hard on his guitar, dances vehemently, then impales his victims on his kick ass guitar drill. I will admit there's a cliched bloody bathtub scene, but it's carefully balanced with a completely original acne-gone-wrong scene that no amount of Clearasil's gonna fix.


Pop.

Dead Alive


If you really want people to appreciate inventive gore, rent this now. No, now. Peter Jackson’s masterpiece about a stop-motion, virus-spreading rat-monkey is a crowd-pleaser on all levels.
There’s a little star-crossed romance for the ladies. There ‘s a complex mother-son relationship for families to identify with. And there’s zombie sex for, well, everyone else.

Dead Alive makes brilliant use of the following things: a garden gnome, a lawnmower, a giant puppet with puppet-y boobs, attacking flatulent intestines, and a zombie baby played by a midget. And I haven’t even given away the good parts! Now look, this movie is bloody, violent, and over the top. It makes Kill Bill look like Care Bears. I’ve shown it to people who can’t stomach it (although my younger sister loves it and bought it for me for Christmas. Making her the only girl in history to adore a movie about a monkey who was raped by a rat). But one thing is guaranteed: your friends will NOT be bored or fall asleep to this one.

They may try to leave, but hit them with this little analogy: Dead Alive is much like wearing contact lenses. At first you struggle to get the contacts in, your eyes shutting involuntarily to block out the gross finger-to-eyeball interaction. But after you do it a few times it becomes second nature, and you enjoy freaking people out by showing off how you can touch your eyeball. Also, you think you look sexier without glasses. It might not make too much sense, but people will force you to start the movie just so you'll shut up.

Sleepaway Camp


Here is a fucked up movie. For the first hour and 22 minutes, Sleepaway Camp comes off as a sorta lame summer-camp horror movie with some weird flashback sequences. It seems like your standard horror plot with a few mediocre deaths and one sweet one involving an arrow. Okay, okay, and some bumblebees. But the final 30 seconds instantly transform this movie from clunker to classic. You will NOT see the finale coming, and the image will float around in your head for days, returning for a surprise visit at random times of the day. This ain’t no Blair Witch ending, where you’re afraid of a guy facing the corner of a room. This is a full-frontal shocker. Don’t skip ahead to the end either, you A-D-D bastards. Put this pot on and let it brew. Once you see it, you’ll understand. I’m not going to be a dick and give the ending away. Just watch it for yourself.


Uh, there's something you should know...

Troll 2

Troll Squared : Twice the Genius, Zero the Trolls

Why is it that the best movies are sequels that have nothing to do with the original? The fact that there aren’t even any Trolls in this movie bumps it into its own class of genius. Troll 2 is about…Okay, it’s not really about anything. It takes place in a town called Nilbog. There’s a kid who talks to his dead grandpa. The grandpa convinces the kid to piss all over his family’s donut dinner. And then goblins (midgets in masks and burlap sacks) show up and harass the family with sack lunches.


Be on the lookout for this fella. We've named him Ted.

That’s pretty much the plot summary. But it’s not so much what the movie’s about as what it embodies. There’s a spirit of suckiness here that far transcends the “so bad it’s good” theory. It’s beyond bad. And because of that, it’s beyond good. It is its own entity. It causes me to use words like ‘suckiness’ to describe it, but you’ll notice it also caused me to use words like ‘genius.’ To quote an exchange from the movie:

Joshua: “Grandpa! Are you really in Hell?”

Grandpa Seth : “No! But I know a trick that a friend of mine who went there taught me!”

…And that trick was creating Troll 2.

Final Destination 2

Final Destination 2 is one murderous rube goldberg after the other. It starts with the most amazing freeway crash sequence that has several people cheating death, only to find it's coming back to pick them off. The first movie was good, but like all the sequels on this list, the second one is just flat-out better. To be honest, most of the movies on this list aren’t scary. They are hilarious and fun to watch with friends. But this is the real deal. It continually plays with your emotions. No one is safe. You know everyone will die. You even know WHEN most of them will go. But the real fun is seeing HOW.


This wouldn't be as hot if you could see what they see.

Everyone watching this movie will be freaking out during the tense situations, and will laugh and scream uncontrollably when the death finally does hatch. Sometimes you’ll be relieved when someone bites it because you don’t think it will happen again for a while, and then…holy shit, where did that barbed-wire fence come from?? Watch for ridiculous amounts of foreshadowing and clever nods to other horror flicks. Even if the other picks are too hokey for you, Final Destination 2 slams its own hokiness against the sidewalk with a plate glass window. Be prepared to rewind over and over again.


There you go. The Ultimate Halloween Movie List for this year. You are very welcome. The only way you can go wrong by renting these movies is if your friends are losers. Then you can thank me for weeding boring friends from your roster. Happy Halloween!

If you've discovered your own classic gems, submit a body count to Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com

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