Barry Bonds Opens the Floodgates on Scandals

By Guerrs
March 9th, 2006

God I love Topps '87 Cards.

As most of you have probably read, an incriminating book is about to be released, painfully detailing Barry Bonds' love of getting poked in the rear...with steroids. Apparently, he also enjoys massaging it into his shoulders and hiding it under his tongue. If this revelation has taught fans anything, it's that the idea of the wholesome idol is dead.

Rafael Palmiero. Barry Bonds. O.J. Simpson. Pete Rose. Yanni. These names are forever tainted by compromised values and a lack of respect for their fanbase. Exposing them as frauds simply proves what we knew all along, and in the case of Bonds, the evidence is redundant to anyone with eyes who's seen Bonds in the past 7 years.

In light of the "shocking" Bonds scandal, I’ve done some investigating myself. I’m exposing more celebrities and public figures for the frauds they are. I will admit, I had a little help with the research. The following revelations are backed up by at least 200 witnesses interviewed by Stephen Glass. I also have documentation backing up each accusation, transcribed by James Frey. The things you are about to read may be shocking, but it is my duty as an internet reporter to uncover the truth.

Saturday Night Live Hosts

Saturday Night Live Hosts actually use cue cards during the show. That’s right, they aren’t looking offstage as a sort of comedic pregnant pause; they simply don’t take the time to memorize their lines



Looking for the funny.

Aunt Jemima

.Aunt Jemima isn’t based on someone's real flapjack-lovin’ Aunt. She’s actually a racist stereotype of a black "mammy" from the 1890's. And this whole time I denied that racism still existed in our society. Thanks Aunt Jemima! Oh, and Crash, too. Cuz that movie really gets racial injustice.


If someone says they're related to A.J., they're lying

Ben Roethlisberger

Super Bowl Champion Ben Roethlisberger has nothing to do with the processing of the Beef Jerky that bears his name. In fact, he has no knowledge of dehydrated meats at all. It's claim of deliciousness was also brought into question during the proceedings, particularly the exclamation point. But since the bag is clearly empty, we had trouble proving otherwise.






Deliciousness not provided by Ben.


We also concluded the stars of Rap Snacks to have no chip making abilities, except for Stat Quo, who apparently ordered there to be "Mo' Chedda," and got his wish.


The Lucky Charms Leprechaun is actually a diminutive British woman. I know. I was suprised by that one too. Especially since she's disguised in Irish attire.

Milli Vanilli

Milli Vanilli actually did write all their own songs. They simply wanted to get out of the spotlight for a while. So they pretended their voices weren't made of "velvet-cloaked ear-gasm inducers." Those quotes mean one of my sources said that. I would never come up with something so ridiculous.




Dr. Pepper

Dr. Pepper wasn't actually a Doctor. He was an escaped mental patient named Gargamel Santana, who was notorious for going to soda shops and maniacally filling his cup with a bunch of different pops. Just before he was caught, someone tasted his concoction, found it to be delicious (though not delicious enough to advertise that on the can), and made the story a little more dignified by saying a pharmacist in England came up with it.

Gargamel: Crazy and Uncredited

Now look, a lot of people are saying Bonds should have his records stripped for these audacities. To that, I say nay. Mr. Miyagi didn’t actually have a dojo called Miyagi-do when he entered Daniel Larusso in the All Valley Karate Championship. But we don’t see anyone trying to get the trophy back years later, do we?? I think John Crease tried at one point, and failed miserably. So it's better to just expose frauds for who they are, and let them be. Stay tuned for Part 2 of my shocking discoveries of fraud next week!

If you think Barry Bonds still isn't a juicer, Guerrs has a Miyagi chop ready to knock some sense into you.

© 2005 The Decking Crew