Welcome to this week’s Nerd Condo Newsletter, where we dignify and deride the weekly happenings of the uncool. There will be a mixer in the courtyard Thursday at 7:30 pm, complete with clear malt beverages and awkward mingling with females. Festivities will end promptly at 8, so no one has to miss Smallville.
The Fog remake opened this weekend, and wasn’t even screened for critics. That means the studio wants to make all its money in the first week and get the hell out before people realize how awful the movie is. No doubt this movie is terrible, even with the presence of Clark Kent. It's part of a bigger, growing problem. There is definitely something wrong with horror films of the past few years. They’ve been rolling through theaters like a poorly-rendered CGI fog, slowly destroying the very genre I love with lack of originality.
horror movies have become horror-lite and horror-less. These are PG-13
affairs that simply remake old movies and foreign imports, trading
scares and obligatory sex scenes for cheap pops and franchise-raping.
In the past few years, we’ve gotten The Ring (remake), The Grudge
(remake), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake), Aliens Vs. Predator (a
double penetration franchise rape), and Freddy Vs. Jason (the one
example of how to have fun with a franchise). None of these movies
are original ideas. They’re all mining from other sources. And
the original stuff we’ve been getting isn’t exactly the
stuff of Jaws. Have you seen Saw? Great premise, mediocre movie. House
of 1000 Corpses? Nice try, but nothing people will talk about in years
you think my memory is clouded, help clear the cobwebs with a gigantic,
blood-drenched machete at Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com