5 Reasons Why You Might Not Like Episode II,
And Why You Are Stupid

Feb. 19th, 2003

Okay, so Episode II has been out for a while now. The consensus among many is that it is far superior to Episode I. I know that after watching Episode II, it made me truly realize how lacking the first one was. That’s not to say I won’t defend it till my death, but compared to Episode II, Episode I acts as the Next Karate Kid of the Star Wars series.
     

I could list all the reasons why Episode II rules, but I won’t. Because there are people out there who won’t listen. They are the people who are so jaded by the first movie that they refuse to put any more faith in Lucas. Of course, they went and saw Episode II just like the rest of us, but they went to find flaws. So I will now present some common arguments for why Episode II doesn’t live up the original trilogy…And why those people should (at this point I could make a hilarious reference to how those people should fall into the Sarlaac pit like Boba Fett, or be eaten by the Rancor monster like the gammorean guard…But I won’t, because then I would just sound like a loser.)

 

1) No Han Solo Character.
We’ve all heard this one. “The new trilogy isn’t as good because there isn’t a Han Solo-esque character!” People claim the movies would be better if there was a scoundrel-type who believed in a blaster by his side instead of all this flim flam Jedi business. But you know what? If there was a character like Han Solo, then those same people would instead be complaining that the new character is just a knockoff of Han Solo, saying Lucas has gone insane. So I immediately discredit anyone who uses this argument.

 

2) Horrible Acting/Romance
Apparently the people going to see Star Wars were disappointed by the love story between Padme and Anakin. They claim it was cheesy and cliché. Who goes to a Star Wars movie to see the romance? Sure everything they say is a cliché, but that’s the point. I hate arguing about this because it’s foregone that Anakin and Padme will get it on. Everything about their relationship, their surrounding, their clothing, the body language, and the situations they confront together, are more powerful than the words they say to each other. They’re just kids, they don’t know what they’re doing.
And if you’re going to say that the acting in the movie is horrible, I will refer you to one scene: Anakin’s failed rescue of his mother. There is a moment of acting that convinced me that Hayden Christiansen will rule all in Episode III. It’s the moment he realizes that there’s nothing he can do. He begins to speak, but is choked by the words. If you don’t think that scene rocks hard, then you have no soul. Bastard.


Feel The Chemistry

 

3) Yoda Da Man!
Okay, you get half a point for that one. I won’t deny how horrid those “Who Da Man? Yo Da Man!” commercials are. But that’s certainly no reason to hate the movie. And for those who simply hated Yoda, you obviously weren’t a fan in the first place. One of the greatest things about the movie is the moment you see the shadow of the great Jedi Master creep around the corner. There is no reason to be mad that he fights in the movie, as if his character was disgraced. Perhaps you weren’t paying attention in Empire Strikes Back, when Yoda was merely a senile green puppet, making funny jokes, eating Luke’s Twix bar, and slapping R2 around with his cane. If anything, this movie lends credibility to Yoda, making him more of a leader than a kooky, dyslexic hermit. Step it up, enjoy Yoda.


 

4) Obi Wan Never Has Any Time
Everyone loves Obi Wan. But many an argument was made that he just never has any time in Episode II. He says it twice himself. I feel bad for Ben. The guy just wants to relax, have a drink. But nooo, he’s always running out of time. What’s the rush, buddy? I guess that’s why he just gives up against Vader. He’s sick of always having to do stuff.


There was no time to put Obi Wan’s picture up.

 

5) Jimmy Smits
You CANNOT deny the power wielded by Smits’ fist in the final scene of the movie. That gesture, when he lightly drops his fist on the banister, you can feel his regret resonating through his turtleneck. I get shivers every time I see how disappointed he is in the clone army. Perhaps he didn’t notice the fine craftsmanship of the clones. Or maybe he was mad that he didn’t have a blue alien guy as his Yes Man like Palpy does. Either way, if you say that Jimmy Smits makes the movie worse because he looks like Jimmy Smits in a Star Wars movie…You may have a point. Just not a good one.


Necks still get chilly in a galaxy far, far away.

 

There you have it. If you’re still not convinced, perhaps you cannot read. Or perhaps you will never understand the greatness that is Episode II. Either way, you are stupid, and I feel sorry that you are unable to enjoy a great movie experience. Go watch Beaches or something. PEACE!


~Guerrs

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