What's Wrong, Eomer?
January 22nd, 2004
Eomer. Warrior of Rohan. Noble Horse Master. Man with a Million Questions. If you’ve seen Return of the King, you know Eomer is a loyal servant of Theoden, ready to battle for the fate of Middle Earth. But clearly keeping your emotions hidden from the enemy is not in Eomer’s battle plan. The furrowed brow, the pursed lips, the flaring nostrils, they all indicate he’s got so many things on his mind. I guess it’s understandable that the burden of war has this man constantly worried. It must be no fun being his friend, never knowing if he has something really important to tell you, or if he’s just trying to relax.
The only way to truly get into the mind of Eomer was to find out more about him. So I went straight to the source. I found a copy of What’s Wrong, Eomer?, the lost chronicles supposedly written by JRR Tolkien before his death. Of course, this fact is questionable, seeing as I completely made it up. Nevertheless, this book shed so much light on the Third Marshall of Riddermark. Soon I came to find that it wasn’t just the strains of battle that had him ready with a question. Illustrated below are some of highlights from What’s Wrong, Eomer?, as we find that his bewilderment goes far beyond fighting.
the opening chapter of "Tolkien's" book, we find Eomer entering
a mysterious land and discovering the wonders of modern day banking.
The look on his face is similar to any frame he's in of Return of the
King, and it's clear he was unable to master currency exchange in his
After taking a wrong
turn on his way to Helm's Deep, Eoms finds himself utterly dumbfounded
when he stumbles upon Gaydudian, the only all-male Spring Break spot
of Middle Earth.
leaving Gaydudian, Eomer quaffs his thirst with several large ales,
which leads to a long, arduous trek to the bathroom. His impatience
in line is quite serious, for there are no zippers on that complicated
his way to Pelennor Fields, Eomer stops off to take care of some cinematic
business. Using his skills with a blade, Eomer battles an evil worse
than Sauron himself; A worn-out plot and horrible miscue by the one
known as Big Momma.
Eomer's path eventually leads him to the realization that permanently puts a look of confusion on his face. He confronts the Black Knight, known as the Kicker of Elves, and also known as the Angel Crusher. Obviously one is a clone, as they are exact carbon copies of each other. Their battle is fierce, and while Eomer is triumphant and the Black Knight is banished from the land, Tolkien tacks on a 300 page Appendix detailing the Black Knight's attempt to steal Eomer's identity. The only real proof that What's Wrong, Eomer? was actually written by Tolkien is that the 300+ page Appendix could have been just as easily done in 4 pages.
And so concludes the tale of Eomer and his constant struggle with everything in the entire world. Personally, I think it would do him well to just smile every once in a while. Or at least stop using his facial features to overanalyze everything. It looks uncomfortable.
Tolkien's pseudonym was actually Guerrs@thedeckingcrew.com