March 17th, 2003
There has been a pressing issue that has gone unresolved for far too long. It concerns the politics of a one Mayor McCheese. For years, this public leader has allowed corruption to seep into his land, and left too many unanswered questions. Today, I will uncover the horrible secrets between McCheese’s buns.
First, let’s look at the crime rate of the McLand. Isn’t it strange that the Mayor only has one criminal in his ranks, yet does nothing to stop him? I’m talking about the Hamburglar, of course. For years, he has run wild, burgling at an outstanding rate. And what does the Mayor do? He sits back while a vigilante clown takes the law into his own gloves, thwarting the Hamburglar with magic and songs. Surely the Mayor has a crime enforcement unit, yet why does he count on a clown and an outlaw gang of dreadlocks? The answer lies within the Mayor himself.
Here is a simple question: Why has the Hamburglar never attempted to steal Mayor McCheese, the crown jewel of burgers? Surely that would be the ultimate catch for a man who only steals sandwiches. Instead, he goes for sacks of .49 cent patties. Apparently in McDonald Land, money doesn’t exist. Otherwise the Hamburglar would rob a bank and be able to buy all the food he wants. But let’s not stray from the subject. McCheese has never been stolen because he is aligned with the Hamburglar. That’s right. If you don’t believe, just take a look at the hard evidence:
The photo is grainy, but difficult to mistake. The Hamburglar clearly has his arm extended to the Mayor, either to put his arm around him or to tickle his chin. This is undeniable proof that Mayor McCheese lets the Hamburglar run wild because he gets a cut of the earnings. How do you think he could afford this ride?
Hamburgers, that’s how! So now we have hard proof that Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar run in the same crowd.
Another concern raised with the Mayor is his funding of genetic experiments. It is quite obvious that Grimace was a result of one of these experiments. Did the Mayor authorize his creation? Is he a McNugget gone awry? Did someone fuck an eggplant? Grimace is certainly a mystery, one beyond the scope of this article.
The Mayor has never been clear about his stance on sex crimes. But surely he can’t overlook an investigation into the relationship between Ronald McDonald and Birdie. There has always been an overwrought sexual tension between the two, but one has to question how deep it goes. If the Mayor were to uncover any sort of animal-loving scandal, it’s hard to say whether he would act upon it. After all, his head is a cheeseburger.
In conclusion, the issues I have raised today are the tip of the iceberg, and I’m sure that after breaking this story, more will come forward with allegations of his wrongdoings. What’s important is that we get someone in office who will take action, because in a land full of burglars in stripes, a bestial clown, and an inexplicable purple blob…we need some order.
If you have any information regarding the depravity of Mayor McCheese, let me know at Silentguerrs@aol.com