Video Games and Dead People
Unlocking the Greats
April 18th, 2003


My graphics are better than Playstation 2

Perhaps the greatest video games in history are EA's NHL franchise, namely the Sega versions. The series contains the classic gimmes, like skating across the goal and holding down C for a slapshot that freezes the goaltender, giving you an open net. Or when you skate behind and around the goal and the goalie gets stuck. And who can forget the season mode that punishes you for winning too many games, and drops you into last place. And recently, the series introduced a new feature…Hidden teams.

For those of you who have never unlocked these teams, you probably just suck at NHL. But, today I’m in good spirits and am willing to present the lineup for the newest hidden team. So now, ladies and gentlemen, get on your feet for your Dead Rock All Stars!

Ratings based on their hockey skills and self-destruction skills

Line 1

C Jerry Garcia RATING: 99
      The quintessential drug captain. Garcia is so good that he once went into a       coma, came out of it, and re-learned how to play guitar. The only thing longer       than Jerry’s list of drugs is a Grateful Dead song

LW Jimi Hendrix RATING: 95
      Hendrix is a great leader, a great guitarist, and an even better acid dropper.

RW Shannon Hoon RATING: 82
      He’s kinda scrawny, kinda lackadaisical, but definitely an apt druggie.

LD Bradley Nowell RATING: 72
      Phenomenal with the needle and the puck, but Brad loses points for not being       able to stop the shameless extortion of repackaged music inflicted on fans       after his death.

RD Layne Staley RATING: 76
      Oddly enough, he wasn't dead when the game came out, but the programmers       assumed it wouldn’t be long, with lyrics like, "What's my drug of choice? Well       what have you got? I don't go broke, and I do it a lot. I do it a lot!"

Line 2

C Kurt Cobain RATING: 70
       While Cobain successfully runs the second line, he loses points for trying to      join the first line a few months earlier, and failing.

LW John Lennon RATING: 32
      Lennon wasn’t very good at self-destruction, but I bet he could skate       backwards.

RW Jam Master Jay RATING: 22
      I had to create Jam Master Jay myself, as he’s deserving of a spot. He’s       had a lot of demons in his past, but he never backchecks.

LD Christopher Wallace RATING: 19
      
Probably the worst player on the team, Biggie lumbers across the ice with the       same rating that Jay Caufield had in NHL 94. Notorious should have been a       goaltender, but he didn’t drink enough.

RD Tupac Shakur RATING: 60
        Tupac is a veteran of the second line, having been shot more than anyone on       the line, and also having more shots on goal. He hits 'em up.

Goaltenders: Have Another One

With a club this damn good, the goaltenders have a lot of time to sit back and relax, so it's natural that these guys are also part of the drinking club.

G John Bonham RATING: 85
         How good is Bonham? Ridiculous drinker, ridiculous drummer, ridiculous glove         hand.

G Bon Scott RATING: 72
     There's a reason he's the backup and it's not his lack of sobriety. Bon
     simply lacks the dexterity to hold a stick and a bottle of Jack at the same
     time.

G Johnny Cash RATING: 56
      Cash loses points for not actually being dead, but have you seen him lately?       Wow!

 

Well, that’s it. The hidden team unlocked for you. It’s great fun to take your favorite self-destructing, drug-addicted players up against the best the NHL has to offer, and see who comes out alive. Er, wait.

If you can't unlock the hidden team, email Silentguerrs@aol.com and admit that you’re no good at NHL.

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© 2003 The Decking Crew