The Orc Diary
September 10th, 2003

This found material recounts the life of a simple orc and attempts to shed light on their existence as a people...er orcs. er whatever. We felt it necessary to pass on his wisdom. Prepare to be enthralled. The Orc Diary. Edited by David Doyle.

First Entry

I’ve decided to start a diary. Most men think Orcs are dumb and violent, but we have problems too. I think that writing will provide me a healthy way to express my feelings, instead of merely screaming while I work.

Speaking of work, I’m thinking about a career change. Yeah, helping create Saruman’s army of Uruk-Hai is important, but come on. Where are all the Orc dancers, and dentists, and trash men? I think I have a pretty keen eye when it comes to hairstyles. I know I could make Saruman and the 5% of Orcs who have hair look GREAT! Saruman has such snow-white hair…very pretty but very bland. Come on, buddy! Let me get a hold of those locks!

Second Entry

I’m not keeping this dairy everyday, just so you know. Some days I’m just too dang busy to write! Like yesterday for example…I was woken up by the sounds of screaming and pounding steel. Swords were being made for the Uruk-Hai army. After I did my morning stretches and exercises, I went to help with the casting of the swords. Then around noon, we stopped screaming and killed a chicken for lunch. I was ready for a nice tasty drumstick when I realized I had so many teeth in my mouth that I couldn’t take a bite of the damn thing! Argh! I eventually settled on a slice of banana bread and a Slim-Fast shake and went back to the sword making.

We usually have recess in the afternoon, but Saruman decided we weren’t working hard enough and cancelled it. When he came by, I asked him about my possible career change. He said he’d get back to me. Needless to say, by 10:30 I was beat. Thank goodness I’m not on a battle team right now…they never get any rest.

Third Entry

Saruman changed my career. Unfortunately, I’m not the official hairstylist for the army of Isengard. Instead, I’m going into battle. Great.

Fourth Entry

Well, today is my last day before heading off to battle. We were busy all morning training and sparring. It was raining pretty hard in the afternoon, so we had inside recess. That was pretty fun, although I almost got in a fight with some new guy. He was acting like he knew everything about fighting, so I told him to shut up. I said, “You don’t know…you don’t know what you’re talking about. I pulled your ass out of the ground three days ago, so don’t act like you’ve been around long enough to tell the rest of us what to do, Stupid guy.” Then he pushed me down over another Orc who was on his hands and knees behind me. I ended up walking it off…I don’t need that kind of crap the day before we leave.

I think I’ll bake some bread tonight for the journey.

Fifth Entry

We’ve been on the road for almost a month now. We captured two little Halflings and are taking them back to Saruman. We think one of them has the ring that we’re looking for.

For the past two days, we’ve been sharing what little bit of bread I have left among the whole group. This is the bread I baked before we left, mind you, and it’s become sort of hard and there are some bugs on it. However, I’m the only one in the group smart enough to bring my own food.

So there’s this one guy who keeps complaining about what we’ve had to eat for the past couple of days. “I’m sick of this crappy bread,” he whines, or, “this bread is so maggoty that it’s terrible and sucks!” Well dipshit, if you don’t like it, don’t eat it! Honestly!

I swear that if he says one more thing about my bread, I’m going to cut the head off of that bastard who pushed me down the day before we left. Displaced aggression…that’s the Orc way, you know.

I’ll write more tomorrow.

Editor’s Note: The Orc who kept this diary was unfortunately killed in battle the day after his last entry. He would have wanted you to know, however, that he did in fact cut the head off of that smart-aleck new guy. Then the group ate him.

Contact the Editor: Deeznutso@excite.com

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