The Stormtrooper Diary
September 17th, 2003

 

First Entry
I’ve decided to keep a diary during my time as a Stormtrooper for the Imperial Army. Maybe this will be seen by my grandchildren someday if I don’t make it through my tour of duty.

It sure is a big deal when you enlist in the Imperial Army! I went to my local recruiter no more than three days ago and here I am on my way to the new space station! Man, they hardly even had time to show me how to put on my armor, let alone train me for battle! Rumor has it that the space station where I’m headed is as big as a planet! Wowee!!!

Second Entry
Well, it’s as big as a planet all right. A big grey planet. Made of metal. I hope we don’t get struck by lightning!

I’ve noticed in the showers that a lot of the other guys look alike. I’m not talking about similar, though…I mean they look exactly alike. My bunkmate Randy told me it’s because they were cloned from some guy about 40 years ago. Weird.

Their wieners all look different, though.

Third Entry
I learned something very important today. Don’t fart in your suit when you’re standing at attention.

Fourth Entry
I learned something else even more important today. Don’t call your C.O. by his first name. Captain Needa wasn’t too pleased when I called him Harry. As a punishment, he made me jog in place at the back of formation while Lord Vader addressed the rest of the 15 divisions! Talk about embarrassing!

Fifth Entry
I think I took a step in the right direction today. We had target practice after lunch and I shot the highest score in my platoon! I got a 7 out of 100 possible points. Captain Needa said that that’s the highest anyone has shot in more than 15 years! As reward, I was given the rank of Marksman among the Stormtroopers.

Sixth Entry
Big mistake last night. Earlier in the day, during breakfast, I finished up the last of the cereal in the box. As I poured it out, a little wax paper package fell out. I opened it and found a sticky little red plastic octopus! On the back of the box, there was a picture drawn of a couple of these little guys racing down a wall. Made sense, I thought. I had to try it out…

So after normal operating hours, I snuck into the main operating deck, where there’s a HUGE glass window. I looked around to make sure nobody was around, and whipped that sucker against the window as hard as I could! Sure enough, he slowly began “walking” down the window.

A second later, I heard some talking coming from down the hall. With nowhere to go, I hid in the back, hoping no one would see me. The voices became clearer and I recognized both Grand Moff Tarkin and Captain Needa’s voices.

“Oh man, your stupid little squid is GOING DOWN against Old Blue tonight!” Tarkin exclaimed. “I just washed him with soapy water…”

“We’ll just see about that, Moffer Fucker!” Needa replied.

Of course, they snapped on the light switch upon entering the operating room. And there I stood, more or less with my dick in my hand.

Grand Moff looked surprised, but thought quickly and said, “What are you doing here? And what’s your operating number?” I was caught, and there was nothing I could do. The worst part was that I was there doing the same thing my Commanding Officer and the Grand Moff were there to do. Oh well.

I’m still awaiting my punishment.

Seventh Entry
Well, don’t I feel like a goober. After getting my breakfast treat confiscated by the Moff and Needa, I was put on inspection duty with Randy. Of course, that was the day we captured some big-ass Corellian cruiser and had to inspect it. Since I was inexperienced, I just stood outside and kept guard. Randy went in, but since he’s kind of weak, asked for a hand. So of course I went and was conked on the head by a couple of dopes. They took all my armor, and it was laundry day! I had to walk out of the ship in nothing but my old boxer shorts with flames on them that say “Light My Fire.” You can imagine the razzing I got as I made my way down to sector 7G.

While I was in the elevator, who happens to step in there with me?? You guessed it. Ol’ Tarkin himself. Wow, he looks like he’s smoked one million cigarettes. I thought I was toast for sure, but he seemed pre-occupied. Kept yelling into his intercom that those dickless X wings could never exploit the power of this metal motherfucker. He uses strong language when he doesn’t think anyone is around.

I’m back in my bunk now, and supposed to be in battle soon, but I’m not sure how to tell my C.O. I’ve had my armor stolen. I hope my folks never hear about this one. But you know, for all the problems I’ve had lately, I’m really glad I joined the Imperial Army. Tarkin’s right, those stupid rebels could never explo—

 


The diary abruptly ends. It is not entirely clear how it survived the mega blast of the Death Star, though it’s safe to assume he finally received his punishment.

Contact the Editor: David Doyle

 

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