September 17th, 2003
It sure is a big deal when you enlist in the Imperial Army! I went to my local recruiter no more than three days ago and here I am on my way to the new space station! Man, they hardly even had time to show me how to put on my armor, let alone train me for battle! Rumor has it that the space station where I’m headed is as big as a planet! Wowee!!!
I’ve noticed in the showers that a lot of the other guys look alike. I’m not talking about similar, though…I mean they look exactly alike. My bunkmate Randy told me it’s because they were cloned from some guy about 40 years ago. Weird.
Their wieners all look different, though.
So after normal operating hours, I snuck into the main operating deck, where there’s a HUGE glass window. I looked around to make sure nobody was around, and whipped that sucker against the window as hard as I could! Sure enough, he slowly began “walking” down the window.
A second later, I heard some talking coming from down the hall. With nowhere to go, I hid in the back, hoping no one would see me. The voices became clearer and I recognized both Grand Moff Tarkin and Captain Needa’s voices.
“Oh man, your stupid little squid is GOING DOWN against Old Blue tonight!” Tarkin exclaimed. “I just washed him with soapy water…”
“We’ll just see about that, Moffer Fucker!” Needa replied.
Of course, they snapped on the light switch upon entering the operating room. And there I stood, more or less with my dick in my hand.
Grand Moff looked surprised, but thought quickly and said, “What are you doing here? And what’s your operating number?” I was caught, and there was nothing I could do. The worst part was that I was there doing the same thing my Commanding Officer and the Grand Moff were there to do. Oh well.
I’m still awaiting my punishment.
While I was in the elevator, who happens to step in there with me?? You guessed it. Ol’ Tarkin himself. Wow, he looks like he’s smoked one million cigarettes. I thought I was toast for sure, but he seemed pre-occupied. Kept yelling into his intercom that those dickless X wings could never exploit the power of this metal motherfucker. He uses strong language when he doesn’t think anyone is around.
I’m back in my bunk now, and supposed to be in battle soon, but I’m not sure how to tell my C.O. I’ve had my armor stolen. I hope my folks never hear about this one. But you know, for all the problems I’ve had lately, I’m really glad I joined the Imperial Army. Tarkin’s right, those stupid rebels could never explo—
the Editor: David Doyle